So I have committed to myself that I would write at least 300 words of this… whatever it is… a day, and yesterday (day 2) I dropped the ball and only typed 7 words (“why my life is a mess cont’d”) so today I am pulling on my big girl britches and rambling onto a blank page about why I can’t find words to describe how exhausted I am and how maybe its just lack of caffeine or staying up late, begging Ryan to read to me that has me feeling in a funk. But if I’m honest with myself, this funk isn’t new. It comes and goes like the fog on the pacific coast. Rolling in, letting the sunshine peak through, then rolling back in, over and over.
The other day, my friend posted a status that said, “There’s gotta be more to life than this. #readyforachange #readytobeHAPPY”, and I found the perfect words to tell her exactly what I’ve been needing to hear, “Swallow your pride and fear. Swallow it and walk toward your desires. Life is too fucking short to waste time being miserable in the name of “should”. No, you shouldn’t stay. You shouldn’t do what you don’t want to do. You shouldn’t go against your gut. You shouldn’t argue with your desires. You shouldn’t be happy just because everyone says you should be.
You walk away from that situation. You run. You put on foot in front of the other and you make the next best decision one decision at a time. You listen inward and make the difficult, excruciating decision to move forward toward the best version of yourself. Toward joy.
Don’t waste time. Start right now. Count down from 5 and make that call you need to make, pack that bag you need to pack, apply for that job you’ve been putting off, book that plane ticket, write that book page.
It will be hard now, and the first few weeks will only be harder, but you will survive. And you will look back and thank yourself for doing it. For being strong and for following your heart.”
YES. That’s it exactly. I mean, its not always fear. Sometimes it’s just downright tired and laziness, but so often it IS fear. Even disguised as a different emotion.
I am TERRIFIED.
In two months, everything I’ve known and loved for so long will be ripped away and replaced with the unknown and I’M CHOOSING to let it happen. I’m MAKING it happen actually.
I’m choosing not to resign my lease, forcing me to move. I’m choosing to break up with Ryan, forcing me to be single. I’m choosing to have Rocky stay with Ryan, forcing me to make the big choice to travel. And I’m choosing to have all online jobs, giving myself the flexibility I need to travel. I am in control, even if it feels like I’m choosing to be out of control.
Just because this is not the life that everyone has always suggested I have, and even though this feels like the most difficult path to take, I know from the last two years of hearing my gut whisper, “go, go, go!” that I HAVE to do this. I have to be scared. I have to face the unknown. I have to look fear in the eye and say, “let’s do this.” And then I have to actually DO it.
So these next two months are about the preparation, and the swinging from certainty to chaos. From knowing what I have to do to doing it, dragging my feet the entire way.
This journey into my mid and late 20s is about figuring out who I want to be and staying true to that little voice inside me.
So I guess it wasn’t too difficult to write 300 words… I’ve already doubled that.
It was just difficult to start… Isn’t it always?