I’m so unmotivated lately. Maybe I have been forever, I don’t know. Maybe its true that motivation is garbage (see: my favorite interview of all time) but I feel like I *should* have motivation right now. Everything is going pretty well. I’m steady adulting and have a job that I love. But I can hardly push myself out of bed, let alone on time, or when my alarm goes off. I get to the shared office I’m renting and just browse through Facebook, answering only the important emails and day dreaming about the coffee I should have picked up on my way. I close the Facebook tab, only to wander back over to the addictive site when a notification pops up on my screen. I know that I have the ability to control it, to just shut that down. But I don’t want to right now.
It’s weird. I feel like my brain is stuck in this unmotivated fog. Even when I’m working or talking to a client, I’m thinking of other things. About how my life is going to be totally different in a couple months, about how I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing, about how I’d rather be doing the million other things on my to-do list. And of course when I have time to do those things, I don’t feel like it.
The other day I literally couldn’t even finish my to-do list by the deadline I had set for the first, unwritten item (see cover picture).
Today, I didn’t even start writing a to-do list.
My brain is MUSH. What is wrong with me?
This is the side of me that I don’t let many people see. The side of me that’s not all happy go lucky and confident.
That side of me does exist. I do generally manage to keep a smile on my face and a hop in my step. Most of the time it’s just faking the confidence part though.
I think that’s what adulting is. In the last 2 years since graduating college, that’s the reoccurring theme I’m seeing: no one knows what the hell they’re doing.
Ugh. I shouldn’t even publish this. It’s all a bunch of dumb ramblings about feelings I’m ashamed to have. But you know what? Who cares! I’m not writing for anyone but myself, and whoever resonates with this book journal thing.
I don’t have any wise words to add to this. I’m unmotivated and want a nap.
But I have typed more than 300 words today, so there’s that. One thing knocked off my to-do list.